JOKE of the DAY

[Olav]

Leave it to the Swedes to come up with a drummer that drinks more than the guitarist. Or at least the stronger stuff.
Helan går!

[Olav]

I tried this one time with my old 84 mustang. oddly enough the car kept better timing then our drummer! But the cardon monoxide poisoning was so bad, we had to kick the ol' ford out of the band

cool video Dennis, I love the mouse thing too, lol

That gave the term garage band an whole new twist.
What's that in your guitarcase? Sparkplugs and wrenches?

[Dennisthe Menace]

ACTUAL EXCHANGES BETWEEN PILOTS AND CONTROL TOWERS

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."
****************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
****************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts to make another one."
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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the heck are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[rog43win]

OMG..........way too funny, Dennis! I love the mouse and the tractor.....thanks for sharing these........

Roger

[Dennisthe Menace]

My brand new Mosrite!!!

Hey GANG!!!! Exciting News!!!!

I will be unveiling my brand new 2010 Mosrite Guitar designed by TOYOTA!!!!
It plays Faster and Faster no matter what the Speed of the song is set at!

dtm

[oipunkguy]

did you hear that the owner of toyota went to the capital the other day? it wasn't cuz he had a meeting, it was cuz he was driving on c street and couldnt stop and crashed in the building....wah-wahwahwah.....

[Olav]

[Dennisthe Menace]

TWO LADIES TALKING in HEAVEN
1st woman--Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman-- Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get
warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched & down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.....
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Ol Wise Man says:
“Give a man a fish and he will have dinner. Teach him to fish and he’ll be late for dinner!”

[oipunkguy]

Favorite George Carlin one liner:

"Why is it with us it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet?"

[Dennisthe Menace]

Check your Driver's License online ....??!?!?!?

This Checked "TRUE" on Snopes.com....

THIS IS NOT A JOKE! OUR darn SENATORS
ARE AT IT AGAIN, JUST SOMETHING FOR THEM
TO DO, TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THEY ARE VERY
BUSY WORKING DOING THEIR JOB...YEAH, RIGHT...

I removed mine and 'you' should do the same.

Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the
Internet, including your own! I just searched for
mine and there it was...picture and all!

Thanks Homeland Security!

Go to the web site, and check it out. It's unbelievable!
Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is
on file.

If your license does come up on the screen, do not worry,
just click the box marked 'Please Remove'. This will
remove it from public viewing, but it will not remove
it from the law enforcement, but that's OK....

Please notify all your friends so that they will also be
able to protect themselves. Believe me they will thank you
for it!
Fill out your full name and also the other info in the so called
John Doe Box......

http://www.license.shorturl.com/